Compatibility, a word a lot of stern, mechanical, hard-headed individuals try to pick their future partners based upon, literally means able to exist together without trouble or conflict. This word is basically a made up concept when it comes to relationships in it for the long haul; in what universe can a couple so in love, with the passion and fire we want so badly, possibly live harmoniously and agree on everything? I mean I’m a hopeless romantic, but complete compatibility when it comes to finding a marriage partner is unrealistic and boring; I don’t know any married couple madly in love that don’t fight and match each other’s personalities in all areas of life. A quote from one of my favorite movies, “Life As We Know It” goes as follows: “If my ex-wife and I fought like that, we’d still be married.” People are going to fight and disagree, opposites attract; as long as both people in the partnership are respectful, honest, trusting, loyal and faithful, have positive mindsets, and willing to put the effort into the relationship then love will stay alive.
I was doing a little research about this topic and came across an article on pattiknows.com that states this: “According to a study reviewed in Psychology Today called The Truth About Compatibility: Expert opinions on love and compatibility, and the interaction between biology and behavior (Hara Estroff Marano and Carlin Flora, 2004) examined relationships relative to compatibility and found that compatibility actually doesn’t revolve around a list of traits one has or doesn’t have, rather, compatibility is a process and something that one builds in their relationship. The study found that compatibility between a couple lies within the negotiating process within the relationship that is made up of one’s willingness to work together and both parties’ attitudes and dispositions.” Regardless of what one thinks, this is proven science and how relationships truly work in reality.
The cognition behind this concept is simply that love is complex and has many different counterparts; love actually “operates between biology and behavior but ultimately succeeds when there is a certain attitude applied towards the relationship, the mindset of applying to your relationship a dominant attitude of positivity and good will (for the better good of the relationship).” Compatibility is not a feasible perception of what makes a relationship work primarily because human beings change so much over time that shared hobbies and/or interests, which in the end actually do not matter, cannot measure a relationship.
“According to psychology professor, Ted Huston at the University of Texas who studied married couples, found that there is no difference in the objective level of compatibility between those couples who are unhappy and those who are happy. But the unhappy ones think compatibility is important to a good marriage-but don’t think they have it. When people say, ‘We’re incompatible,’ that usually means, ‘We don’t get along very well.’ People overemphasize the effect of personality or values. And they underemphasize the extent to which easy, congenial temperaments aid marriages.”
You don’t know who would be a perfect fit for you until you give them an opportunity to be there for you, to grow with you, to just love you. People sometimes fall for people who they least expected for themselves and that’s not a bad thing. Relationships take work; hard work. Sometimes we find love in the darkest of places in our lives and that one person pulls us out of the dark with all of the light they have to offer. Love is not a choice; you can choose to feel those feelings or push them away, but in the end, the universe brings two people together for a reason.
“Society holds compatibility as a prerequisite to any relationship and we hold onto ideas of compatibility (and chemistry) so strongly that we fail to look at the more important factors of a relationship such as genuine respect, love and dedication to one another-the ability and attitude to want to evolve and grow together is the secret sauce to any relationship, not the details of compatibility, such as having to be the same religion or liking the same hobbies. The test of a strong relationship and a happy couple is not in their ability to have a lot in common but their ability to respect each other’s words and grow from one another while growing with each other-according to the research of this article, couples need to feel they are building something together that has meaning. The real mark of a happy or ‘perfect match’ in a couple is their ability to stay emotionally connected, their responsiveness to one another’s needs in an equal fashion which involves the consistent asking of questions to tap into your partner’s psyche and making sure you are up-to-date on one another.” I could not agree more with this. These studies confirmed all of my beliefs about compatibility while they might have you questioning yours.
“According to Raoul Helder, a divorce lawyer, claims that the main reason for divorce is due to growing apart. The degree in which couples stay emotionally connected holds much more weight than compatibility ever will.” This to me is the most important aspect of any relationship; I want to be able to tell my husband everything and connect with him on an emotional level I can’t connect on with anyone else, I want a husband and a best friend who not only understands me and knows all of the dark things about me but recognizes my strength to get through those dark times while loving me unconditionally for my flaws.
“Ultimately, when trying to find your ‘soul mate’ and the ‘perfect match’ who has ‘all the perfect qualities you ever dreamed of,’ keep in mind that personality traits and qualities, although can help a couple get along and connect, is not a good indicator of whether or not a couple is good together due to the fact that personality is so particular and random. We can like opposite personalities and we can like similar personalities, it really has no grounds in telling of a relationship’s strength. What really should be the determining factor of a couple’s strength are their shared relationship skills, which have nothing to do with personality. Truly any two personalities can be together no matter how different they really are, and the most random and ‘incompatible’ personalities can be together if they have good relationship skills.” This article said everything I’ve wanted to in a nutshell; any two people can be together if they are attracted to each other, have shared relationship skills/wants/values and are just willing to put in the work and effort it takes to build a successful relationship. My “perfect match” will be the guy who listens to me, who I can have intellectual and deep conversations with, who calls me out on my bullshit in order to allow me to grow into a better person while letting me call him out on his bullshit so we can be better together, who doesn’t give up on us over the little things, who can appreciate the little things.
I meant every word in this article and my hope for it is to be useful. I’ll wait for love, for a real chance at love; the number of days I have to wait until I have the one I want are nothing compared to the days I’ll be without him if I don’t.
Cheers Until Next Time
youarewhoyoudatewriter 
Leave a comment